


Alive

by wings128



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Barebacking, Community: sg_flyboys, First Kiss, First Time, John/Cam Thing-a-Thon Challenge, M/M, Outdoor Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 07:50:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wings128/pseuds/wings128
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’d been so long since he’d had any kind of touch that wasn’t someone beating the crap out of him and he found himself helplessly leaning into it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dargai](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Dargai).



> A special thanks to auscaz for all her encouragement and support and to jendavis for her brilliant beta-ing
> 
> This story was written for the sg_flyboys John/Cam thingathon round six over on LJ  
> The prompt was: "They both grieve for the fallen of two galaxies"  
> I hope you enjoy it.

He’d bought out the shop’s supply. He supposed that should’ve told him how long it’d been. Or told him how many they’d lost, he’d lost.

The tiny wavelets nipped icily at his bare toes like so many baby crabs as he crouched with his palm held steady, just beneath the ocean’s constantly moving surface. The last of many, so many, floating lights drifted off the edge of his long fingers to join its fellows and begin its journey – a journey too short to fully emulate that taken by the soldier it represented. None of those Airmen would ever see home and hearth again.

He was a Colonel in the United States Air Force, but in his heart Cameron Mitchell was just a farm boy from Kansas who loved to fly. And as that farm boy watched the tiny flickering, bobbing flames float towards the horizon like a string of Christmas lights; his heart bled with the emptiness of their loss.

Cam saw the gesture for the symbolic hollowness it was; nothing more than a way for him to file away the losses so he could still perform his duty without cracking. So he would continue to send men to their deaths for no good reason. It was a calm evening; yet even a whisper of a breathy wind would snuff out the tiny insignificant sparks. Long before they reached the ever retreating horizon they would die; just as surely as his men had

He tilted his chin skyward, eyes of intense blue seeing far beyond the twinkling pinprick of the evening star to the top secret interstellar battlefield of the Milky Way, and hung his hands limply between his knees.

‘Fleeting and insignificant, that’s us’ Cam scoffed.

He’d been coming here a long time; countless visits through countless years; an endless parade of faces, marching through his head. He remembered exactly what he was doing at the moment each of them had died: not enough. He still wasn’t doing enough; it just kept happening…

They were fighting a war that if lost, threatened their very existence; a war the people of Earth weren’t even aware of. They just carried on with their lives; taking kids to football games, arguing over whose turn it was to take out the trash, spending summers at the beach, making out under the stars. No one had a clue! 

‘And that’s the kicker, right there.

He and his men, all of them, were fighting to keep that sense of innocent freedom for everyone on Earth. Had they been told about it, that knowledge would’ve destroyed the very thing they were fighting for. Were dying for. His men had died in defence of their world, not just their country and they deserved better than some bullshit cover-up phrase on their records; they all did

He dragged his gaze from the swathe of creamy salt filled bubbles at his feet to the sharp indigo line of the horizon. “Fucking hell!”

“That bad huh?”

Cam hadn’t heard the other man’s approach, hadn’t felt his presence until he’d spoken. The shock that he’d let his guard down far enough for someone to get that close, had his heart hammering like a cornered jackrabbit’s against his ribs. With a smooth, deliberately-slow movement Cam stood out of his crouch, but it was still another long moment before he turned.

“Ah…yeah…kinda needed some space…so if you….”

Sheppard gave him a half-hearted smirk that matched the nonchalant way he was holding his shoulders but gave no sign of moving on.

“Popular spot”

“Not so much,” Cam shrugged icily, of all the times he’d come to this tiny crescent of pure white sand and sapphire blueness, Sheppard was his first…visitor.

Sheppard allowed Cam’s hostility to wash over him and rubbed a palm across the back of his neck before meeting the other Colonel’s eye again.

“How many?”

“Today or since this whole cluster fuck started?” Cam couldn’t help the painful razor sharp edge to his words as they forced their way past his clenched teeth

“Mitchell?” Sheppard’s tone held a hint of warning.

“Hundred thirty two”

“Jesus! Fuck!” Sheppard’s exclamation was barely hidden in the sound of the ocean as he lurched forward. The warm hand was solid and surprisingly comforting as its fingers bit into Cam’s shoulder and gave a short sharp shake. “Cameron?!”

Cam didn’t miss the fact that Sheppard had called him Cameron instead of Mitchell and he didn’t miss the way each syllable dragged long and soft across his strung out nerves before easing warmth and comfort into the aching emptiness inside him.

“Yeah” he could barely breathe and the curve of his cheeks were damp. 

‘Damn! All his defences were shot to hell today!’

Cam pressed the heels of his hands hard into his eye sockets and held them there till all he saw was a kaleidoscope of colour. He felt like every part of himself was flying apart from every other part and all that was keeping him together was his skin, and even then only just. When he felt Sheppard’s hands on his shoulders, he stiffened but didn’t pull back; he couldn’t bring himself to resist the touch. Those warm fingers were moving to rub slow soothing circles into his back, the sensation easing through the grey fabric of his t-shirt and melting away the tension in his bones. It’d been so long since he’d had any kind of touch that wasn’t someone beating the crap out of him and he found himself helplessly leaning into it

When he finally looked into Sheppard’s hazel eyes they were so full of pained understanding that Cam wanted to fall into them and never be saved. It was a corny romantic sentiment but never in his life had Cam wanted anything more. 

“’S’kay” Sheppard’s warm breath grazed the skin behind Cam’s ear

‘When had Sheppard closed the gap between them? Or for that matter when had he rested his forehead on Sheppard’s shoulder? Why hadn’t he noticed?’ 

He shuddered as Sheppard’s fingertips continued to stroke tingling heat into Cam’s skin, gliding slowly over the curve of his biceps and down the length of his forearms to circle his wrists, before sliding between Cam’s fingers. On reflex Cam squeezed their joined hands and Sheppard groaned deep, pulling Cam into the lean solidness of his body.

“You’re alive” Sheppard whispered in the intimate air between them “take what you need.”

The silent unspoken please! echoed lingeringly in the edges of Sheppard’s warm panting breath.

Cam groaned and flexed his fingers in the belt loops of Sheppard’s jeans; yanking the other man’s hips in tight and grinding his rapidly filling cock into the hollow at the top of Sheppard’s long hard thigh.

He felt Sheppard tugging, petting, sliding his fingers through his regulation length brown hair and arched back into the touch; felt the gentle brush of soft black spikes against his temple and his skin cool in the wake of Sheppard’s teasing lips

“Please?”

‘So articulate, great.’ Cam rolled his eyes and swallowed hard.

But Sheppard understood and his hot breath filled Cam’s open mouth as their lips pressed and held. Sheppard held him immobile and those sexy snarky lips tasted so fucking amazing against Cam’s as the dark haired Colonel nibbled, sucked and delved his way into him. Heat flooded every inch of him and Cam was lost. His palms sneaked beneath Sheppard’s open suit jacket, slid up the long cotton-covered back then curved around ribs to tease Sheppard’s nipples.

Sheppard broke their kiss on a gasp of broken breath and circled his hips into Cam’s. “Christ, Cameron!”

“Cam” Cam whispered, and tugged the loosened tie free from the other man’s open collar. “Bit overdressed for the beach aren’t you Sheppard?”

“Dad’s funeral,” Sheppard murmured and looked away from Cam’s startled gaze.

“John!” Cam had come to a complete stop.

Sheppard was closing himself off, protecting himself from more pain and Cam couldn’t stand to see him do it.

“C’mere” he urged and cupped his hand to Sheppard’s jaw “’s’kay.”

Cam brushed the fleshy pad of his thumb across John’s full lower lip causing him to lean into the touch. The feel of Sheppard’s playful teasing tongue on his skin pushed Cam over the edge and he yanked their mouths together again. It was hot, wet, dirty and fucking everything Cam had ever wanted but it wasn’t enough.

“Damn Sheppard!” he growled when they came up for air and his fingers were already working the buttons of Sheppard’s white shirt loose; anxious for the feel of crisp chest hair and hot sweaty skin under his palms.

“John!” Sheppard pleaded as his shaky fingers released the button then tugged the tatty denim of Cam’s jeans out of his way.

“Here?” Cam asked and John paused in the act of pushing both Cam’s jeans and boxers down his hips to look at him searchingly.

“You don’t want to?” The question was barely a sound and the tension radiating from John was thick with rejection.

“Damn it John!...” Cam cursed at the smug smirk pulling up the corner of John’s mouth “…yeah. Here’s…good.”

John held him in the palm of his hand and it felt so fucking brilliant, he started to rock into the lax grip that refused to tighten even when Cam rutted into it

Cam’s frustrated curse was met with muffled teasing laughter against his arched neck as John sucked kisses along the line from ear to shoulder. “I’ve got you Cam.”

The care and strength in John’s voice melted Cam’s insides and made him clutch at the other man’s flexed biceps; hard muscle under smooth lightly tanned skin, warmth, safety and strength. Cam’s knees buckled and his fingers dug tighter into those amazing arms.

“Cam?” John pulled back to stare, the strengthening starlight reflecting John’s genuine concern in the blown pupils of his hazel eyes. John held him, compensating easily with a slight shift of his body that brought their cocks into sweet torturous contact.

“Rough day….” Cam rasped as he read the hesitation in John’s eyes but he’d be damned if they were stopping, because it’d been too damn long since he’d gotten even this far “…down.”

John hadn’t moved an inch and there was too much thinking going on for Cam’s liking.

“I want you” he stated as clearly as he could through his haze of need, so there could be no confusion, and pulled hard on John’s arms till he sank them both to their knees.

******

John lay on his back just north of the tide line with his arms stretched above his messy sand flecked hair; jacket and white shirt falling away from his lean and muscular torso with its mat of black chest hair and pert eager nipples. He stared up at Cam with a smouldering black gaze that reflected not only the near-full moon’s luminous light but a need so fierce Cam knew there’d be no going back. John Sheppard was the most beautiful fucking thing he’d ever seen and Cam wanted him like he’d never wanted anything before.

“Alive…?” Cam whispered the word as if seeing how it felt in his mouth, tasting it for the first time and liking how it sounded in the cool night air.

“For now” John whispered back and Cam knew the truth of it in his skin “C’mere.”

Cam leaned in, their cocks sliding against each other as John spread his thighs and Cam dropped lower into the cradle of John’s hips. Cam ducked his head through the neck of his t-shirt as John tugged it off and threw it behind them. The slide of a splayed hand over the battle scarred landscape of his muscular torso made Cam shudder and his eyes fluttered closed, he heard the muted scrape of his tags moving on their chain as John weaved and tugged his fingers through crisp hair and flicked a sensitive nub.

The hand slid around his side and up between his shoulder blades then pressed hard; a silent order that Cam was determined to follow so he lowered his weight down onto his forearms and gave John his best cocky-flyboy grin.

“Ready?” and before John could give any kind of response Cam ground his hips and drove a whimpering groan from the other man that sent a surge of heat into Cam’s balls.

“So that’s a yes”

Cam thrust harder, sliding the head of his cock along the underside of John’s and felt a surge of power as the man beneath him arched up to meet him.

‘He still had control…over this at least.’

Cam felt the ocean surge up, felt the foam tickle his toes as the icy waves retreated. He had fresh salty air in his lungs, sand under his palms and a needy, arching moaning Colonel beneath him, life didn’t get any better than this.

John’s mouth was slack, open and inviting, and Cam couldn’t resist leaning in for another taste. He felt their tags where they rested hard between their bodies, felt John’s mouth open wider, felt the other man’s movement just before a fist gripped him tight, gripped both of them fantastically tight.

“Hell yeah!” Cam yelled and drove deeper into the ever tightening grip.

A deep chested chuckle made Cam look into John’s lust blown eyes and he could sense the edge getting nearer, could feel the desire to leap off it curl his toes and tighten the muscles in his legs and ass, could feel heat wash over him, could feel his focus shift to the way John’s thumb had started to press on the sensitive spot under the head of his cock.

‘And damn if he could resist that.’

“C’mon Cam, come damn it!” Sheppard ordered, and it was Sheppard and not John because it’d been an order, a god damn order! “Sonova…!”

Cam came so hard he thought his spine’d snap, his body twisting into the fierce grip on his throbbing spurting cock and his vision fading at the edges as he heard John’s plaintive shout and felt him arch into Cam’s own body. The last thing he felt before he collapsed into satisfied oblivion were his lover’s fingertips tracing slow soft strokes down his spine and the whisper of John’s breathless words in his hair.

“Tide’s coming in.”

“Don’t care” Cam answered just as quietly and felt John’s amusement vibrating against his chest.

******

Galactic brushstrokes had painted Lantea’s night sky in blended shades of eggplant, ink and ebony that, along with soft white moonlight and the yellow-gold of the city’s running lights, created the most breathtakingly stunning view imaginable. Yet the universe’s efforts went unnoticed by Atlantis’ Military Commander who, with the impatience and fluid black grace of a caged panther, was continuously pacing the width of a remote south-facing balcony.

He’d failed again. Only this time it wasn’t units of trained soldiers under his command, lost due to the enemy’s vastly superior numbers; it was a whole fucking village! An entire village, full of women and kids and farmers and hunters, not warriors; not soldiers. A whole fucking village under his protection and he’d lost the lot!

He couldn’t breathe. Even his own body was disobeying his orders by refusing to follow such a basic command.

He’d ordered Lorne and his men to search New Athos while he, Rodney and Ronon escorted the women back to the city. John had lost men before, too many but these were Teyla’s people, her family and it was all on him. He couldn’t see how they’d get past it and John clutched at the railing to keep himself upright. The twisted hollow feeling gripping his gut made him want to puke. Yep, he’d lost men before but the thought that he’d now lost the respect and friendship of the Athosian leader was…

It was amazing Teyla hadn’t ended him the instant they’d stepped back on Atlantis with Keller.

‘No,’ he thought. ‘She’s right…this is a far better revenge…make you suffer like her people had… make you carry the guilt…and eventually be crushed under its weight.’ She’d made an excellent choice. One of Teyla’s greatest strengths was the ability to make strong choices when everything was going to hell around her. Of course she’d come up with the best way to torture the murderer of her people and all without raising an eyebrow.

If Teyla didn’t acknowledge you, then you were truly alone.

The taxed muscles of his forearm spasmed, his fingers loosened their precarious hold on the smooth metal and Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard crumpled in a heap on the cold tiles.

‘It was his fault, all of it. If he hadn’t woken the wraith by killing that red headed bitch. If he hadn’t tried to save one man at the expense of an entire galaxy….’

John pulled his knees up, curled into a tight ball of shuddering despair and silently begged whichever benevolent god was listening, to put him out of his misery

“Control to Colonel Sheppard” Chuck’s voice called in his left ear.

‘Damn it! Didn’t they know he was having a moment here?’ He took a deep, almost bracing breath, loosened the white knuckle grip his left hand had on his right and reached up to tap his radio.

“Sheppard” he said in a strangled voice he didn’t recognise.

“Colonel?” Apparently Chuck didn’t either.

John cleared his throat before speaking again “Go ahead.”

“The CSI teams are gating in from the SGC.”

John sighed, deeper this time and used the lower railings to haul himself into a crouch.

“Be there in ten” he answered the expectant silence on the comm line and clicked off before Chuck could say more.

******

His skin felt raw and edgy in the crisp clean air around him. It felt like when he’d had to tell his father that he’d crashed the Merc; anticipation and dread mixed with inevitability clawed in his gut to dull his focus. Mitchell was on their left flank with the team he’d brought through from Earth, while John and the Atlantis team closed the perimeter arc on their right. With the lives they led it had been almost a year since…

There was no way he was going to think about that. He wasn’t going to think about how good it’d felt when Mitchell had pressed his chest into John’s and ground himself against John’s own iron hard cock. And he definitely wasn’t going to feel the smooth hot taste of lips on his as the other man’s tongue had dipped into John’s embarrassingly needy and open mouth.

‘Nope, so not going there; even if Mitchell was the last person he’d been with, even if the mere presence of the other Colonel had his heart drumming in his tight chest.’

“We’re in the clear” a southern drawl almost whispered from next to John as he heard the unspoken for now.

He acknowledged Mitchell’s report with a deceptively calm nod, despite the fact he hadn’t heard the man’s approach, but kept his eyes scanning the surrounding treeline.

“We’re staying till there’s some results” Mitchell murmured “Landry thinks…”

John knew what Landry thought, Elizabeth had told him just before they’d entered the conference room and John had laid eyes on Cam; dressed in SGC green and leaning nonchalantly against the back wall. Sky blue eyes had pierced deep and seen all, had seen John, seen his pain, his guilt and his grief. Mitchell had shrugged upright; those eyes had never left John’s as the other man had taken the empty seat across from him. It’d taken all of John’s will power to turn away from the protective strength of their knowing concern and focus on what Elizabeth had been saying.

“It’s a hellova thing,” Mitchell’s subject change was uttered whisper quiet, like the pillow talk of long time lovers, “losing civilians.”

John couldn’t help the shudder that ran through him. The concern and warmth that laced Mitchell’s southern tones had John’s mind begging him to turn and take up the other Colonel’s implied offer. John wanted to be held, wanted to be wrapped in arms strong enough to keep him safe.

‘But Teyla’s people were gone and it was his fault. What right did he have to be comforted?’

“John?”

He watched out his peripheral as Mitchell shifted the weight of his P90 to his left hand before he felt the feathering brush of warm skin against the crease of his left elbow. The tiny touch startled him even as it lit a flame of need so powerful it dragged a breathy groan from his compressed lips.

“Cam?!” 

“Easy,” Mitchell murmured, “I’ve got you.”

John swallowed hard and nodded before turning to face where the CSI team were scattered, throughout the remains of a once thriving Athosian village. Each scientist’s careful movements were being shadowed by their military escort as the finicky job of collecting evidence was accompanied by the click and whirr of digital camera shutters.

“Find me” the other man growled in a voice suddenly deeper than usual as he stepped close to cover John’s back and watch the treeline.

And damn if those two words didn’t loosen the knot in his gut just a bit.

“Jesus!” John murmured and forced himself to focus on the mission and not the way his body reacted instantly to the graphic images in his head.

“Hell yeah!” Mitchell croaked behind him.

******

He vaguely registered the ocean’s ceaseless murmur in the warm wind that played in his hair as he tried to insinuate his body deeper into the cool unyielding exterior walls of Atlantis, but even she didn’t want him. He felt the essence of a sympathetic brush against his mind and rolled his eyes at the uselessness of the gesture.

He’d gone to see Teyla when they’d come back, their hands as empty as when they’d deployed. He had nothing to give her, nothing she wanted at least. He’d stood, shoulders bowed under his guilt, at the end of her bed and told her that the CSI guys had taken over McKay’s labs and were analysing their results. John knew they had nothing, he knew Teyla knew it too. He’d tried to make eye contact with her, so she could read in his eyes the words he could never fully express, but she’d looked through him, straight through him as if he didn’t exist, until he’d turned and left.

It’d happened too many times before for him not to recognise the feeling. A lonely emptiness that sucked him into a spiralling free fall when people he’d let himself get close to, let himself feel something for eventually left him alone. Only this time John couldn’t find the will to fight it. 

“FUCK!!!” His scream was snatched away by the unfeeling wind but it didn’t matter. Just one more thing he couldn’t keep safe, one more thing he’d lost.

John punched the burnished metal of Atlantis’ unyielding exterior wall, putting his full body weight behind the swing and welcomed the forks of lightning that fried out his pain receptors, like overloaded power conduits. He twisted his wrist; stared disconnectedly at his bruised and bloodied fist like it was some weird Pegasus alien creature he’d never seen before and slowly wiggled the long blood streaked fingers.

“Better let me look at that.”

John startled like an injured panther cornered by hunters, his body coiling and tensing in fright, ready to spring as his heart hammered in his chest.

“Easy” Cam shifted cautiously into John’s space, hands out so John could see them “It’s just me...”

“Cam?” John shook his head sluggishly like he’d been woken from a deep sleep. 

He was finding it hard to come back from where he’d been, to realise the other man had found him here in the most isolated spot in Atlantis. He’d thought he’d tuned the city’s life signs detector to omit his signal. There was that brush along his consciousness again and he knew two things for certain; Atlantis had allowed Cam to find him and now both of them were off grid. No one would be finding them anytime soon

“Yeah” the other man drawled as he reached out to gently inspect John’s damaged hand.

As those hands traced gently over fine bones looking for breaks, their smooth touch sent sparks of shivery pleasure all over his skin. John stared into eyes of intense blue that overflowed with warm understanding, life and something that John couldn’t define; but he knew it was only for him. John watched in fascination as the other man’s cheeks flushed and a smile tugged up the corner of his mouth.

“John?” Cam’s voice was kind of strangled, almost hesitant and vulnerable. It was too much for John. He needed this; God how he needed this. He stepped out of the corner and into arms that tightened reassuringly and pulled him against Cam’s body.

“I’m here” the words whispered in surprised delight against the skin behind his ear.

John couldn’t restrain the shudder that shook him from head to toe and tore a confession from deep inside himself. “Missed you.”

“Damn, John!” Cam cursed under his breath and cupped John’s jaw in both his hot hands.

Slick and dirty, deep and possessive, Cam’s kiss was the best thing John had ever tasted; it had him leaning in, submitting to Cam’s will and clutching at the green fabric of the other Colonel’s jacket. He remembered how that mouth had tasted pressed against his own, in the moonlight of an Earth night so long ago, and the realisation hit him like a kick to the spine.

Pegasus’ own special brand of Crazy wasn’t the reason he’d been alone the past year; it was because of this man. It was because of Cam and he was here…kissing the hell out of him, making him focus on what his body wanted instead of…

John pulled back and panted embarrassingly, in an attempt to get air in his lungs. Cam tilted his head innocently like he’d been caught stealing macaroons instead of kisses and stroked the swollen fullness of John’s lower lip with the fleshy pad of his thumb. “Missed you too.”

John pressed his forehead to Cam’s, curved his palm around the back of Cam’s neck and rasped his fingertips in the short brown hair. An eternity passed in the silence that was the two of them, each breathing the other’s air. In the blink of an eye John had spun them and pinned Cam against the burnt red wall, his hands digging into tense biceps while his hips ground in tight to feel the hardness of Cam’s cock.

“Want you” John croaked, half order half plea.

“All yours” Cam whispered, yanked John’s hips in tighter and circled up while his hands slid over the taut curves of John’s ass.

“Fuck!” John groaned as he tried to both thrust against Cam and push back into the other man’s palms at the same time.

“That works!”

John stilled and stared into those blue eyes, trying to read Cam “you sure?”

“C’mere”

John leaned in so their lips were barely touching and waited with baited breath

“Fuck me John and don’t hold back.”

“Damn!”

When John pulled back from the deep possessive kiss he’d forced into Cam’s moist mouth, the other man whimpered with loss and John’s cock hardened even more.

John could feel the tremor in his fingers as they stripped each other, fumbling over elusive buttons and uncooperative zips. Cam went commando and when John felt warm bare skin beneath his palms instead of soft well-worn cotton his eyes flicked up, caught the blush in his fellow Colonel’s cheeks and smirked. He held Cam’s eyes and watched their pupils widen in pleasure as he wrapped his fist around that thick meaty cock. Cam hissed his breath and angled his hips as John started to slide, long and slow with a twist over the slick head before sliding back.

“Fuck!”

“Pushy” John smiled at the husky need in Cam’s voice and kissed those pouting open lips as he lowered them both to the deck.

******

Cam was balanced on his knees, his head turned and resting on his crossed arms; the silver of his tag chain gleaming across the back of his neck. The stark black of John’s uniform bunched beneath him flattered the golden tones of all that exposed skin and John’s brain flicked to a king size bed with black silk sheets.

‘Now that’s one hell of a god damned gorgeous sight’ John thought as his eyes trailed hungrily down Cam’s spine and his hands smoothed over the taut up-turned ass that the other man was offering up to him and pulled the cheeks apart; opening, exposing…

John couldn’t stop himself from grinding his hips against that little pink pouting hole, his cock sliding in its own pre come, back and forth, the head catching teasingly. “Jesus!”

“Jo-ohn!” Cam’s muffled pleading whimper went straight to John’s eager cock.

“Fuck!” He growled and buried himself deep inside the tight hot ass of the man beneath him “Cam! Jesus!”

They froze like that, John’s hands splayed on Cam’s hips, holding him still with bruising fingertips while his lover’s walls pulsed and squeezed the length of John’s hard cock and Cam’s breath came in groaned curses and shuddering gasps.

‘Damn it was….it was….intense….it was….god!....if Cam moved he’d shoot now…’

He swallowed hard and gradually he became aware that Cam was trying to rock onto him, trying to take him deeper and the urge to rut overtook him.

“Easy,” he croaked, “I’ve got you.”

Cam squeezed him hard in reply and John pulled out leaving only the tip of his cock inside. He felt the pull of his tensed biceps as he yanked Cam’s hips back, brutally taking what was offered and impaling him to the hilt

‘Fuck…so tightohgodhot….so fucking good…’

“So good Cam!” he didn’t recognise the deep growly huskiness in his own voice. He heard Cam’s answering moan and sped up his thrusts, each one deeper and longer and harder than the last.

“Harder!” Cam roared and tried to turn his head to see John. “Damn it John, HARDER!”

John pistoned his hips hitting the backs of his lover’s thighs with satisfyingly sweaty slaps on every full-depth in-stroke. He’d make sure that even when Cam was back on Earth; he’d still be able to feel John inside him when he squirmed in his seat at briefings, when he went on missions. Yeah, every time Cam moved he’d feel John, would remember John. 

Cam spread his knees, trying to get John impossibly deeper inside him, trying to give him more room as John’s assault shoved him forward, elbows slipping and sliding with the clothing on the cool tiles. He tried to push back, tried to get John to stroke that place deep inside him, the one that would send him leaping over the edge into pure bliss; but his dark haired lover was in control, those long fingered, almost elegant hands with their vice like grip on his hips, were yanking him back as John drove forward.

‘He wanted to come, needed to come.’ He rebalanced his weight on his left forearm while sliding his right down to his angry desperate cock, but just as he was about to tighten his fist John grabbed his hand away.

“NO!"

It was a growl, a roar, an order and Cam moaned pleadingly even as he felt himself climb still higher at the sound. The punishing thrusts didn’t slow but they did alter their angle and Cam was left a quivering mess, drooling helplessly on the black cloth under his cheek as with every pass, John’s long thick cock grazed the spot that would end things pretty damn quickly. “Fuck yeah! That’s it!”

John only vaguely heard Cam’s exaltation, his own balls were tightening, his toes were curling with the lightning striking his spine. His hips stuttered, losing their rhythm as his vision blurred at the corners, his thighs started cramping and his cock spasmed deep inside Cam’s ass, flooding him, filling him, marking him as John’s

“CAM!” It was barely a word, more a triumphant shout that escaped his clenched jaw as he circled his hips, stirring into the squeezing strength that was Cam coming around him.

John folded over the man beneath him, lay along the length of the strong back and pressed his forehead between Cam’s shoulder blades

“Mine” he rasped and pressed his lips over a knuckle in the ridge of his lover’s spine as he slipped a finger between them and circled Cam’s rim where his own thick girth still stretched it tight.

Cam moaned pitifully and quivered at the overload of feeling even as he pushed back into it. John smirked as he teased his Colonel mercilessly; if he could control nothing else, then he would control Cam’s reactions to him.

“Mine” he repeated as one last circular stroke robbed Cam of the strength in his legs and they collapsed together with an exhausted winded laugh.

“Yours” Cam answered and reached a hand back to awkwardly tousle John’s wild black hair.

******

They lay together, legs entwined, hands scribing slow circles into each other’s skin. He felt slightly awkward, relaxed, comfortable even, but like there was some expectation lingering in the echoes of the light breeze that dried the sweat from his chest. The soft rasp of Cam’s fingertips slid down his flank and John jerked in surprise, allowing a startled laugh to escape.

“Sorry” Cam murmured and pulled back his hand.

“For what?” John moved to rest his cheek on Cam’s outstretched arm and looked up into those gorgeous eyes. “Liked it.”

“You like this too?” Cam grinned and the corners of his eyes crinkled devilishly as he grazed the back of his hand lower over the taut muscles of John’s belly. The barely there sensation sent a shiver over every inch of John’s skin, his abs quivered and he felt himself arching into the teasing hand as a quiet cry of pleasure hummed in his throat. “Guess so….”

John’s eyes were shut but he sensed Cam closing in and opened them in time for Cam to be too close for John to see him clearly. His lover kissed him; long and slow, deep and searching, hot and slick and full of unspoken feeling.

‘God, he’d love to spend the rest of his life just kissing this man.’ He jerked at the thought and unintentionally broke their kiss

Cam had wrapped the wandering arm tightly around the small of John’s back as they kissed while the one John was leaning on, now pulled his head into a strong shoulder.

“I’ve got you…” Cam’s feather soft comfort allowed John to relax again, he felt like he was melting into the other man’s welcoming heat and he didn’t want to stop. “Forever, if you want…”

John stiffened as the declaration sunk into his brain but those welcoming arms just tightened further, keeping him sheltered, keeping him safe.

‘The next forty years…if they were that lucky…could he give Cam what he wanted? Could he commit to a long distance relationship…oh god…the R word…he sucked at those. He knew he would never want anyone else, would never think of anyone else…if Pegasus gave him time enough to think…no one but Cam.’

He could feel Cam tensing, reading John’s non-reaction as rejection, trying to decide if he would pull away first or wait for John to do it. John didn’t want to pull away, in fact for the first time in his life he wanted to pull another human being as close as he could get them, closer and never let go.

It scared the shit out of him…if he lost Cam now…but he was losing him…John was taking too long to answer and the arms around him started turning cold as their hold on John’s waist and nape slowly loosened.

“No!” John breathed against Cam’s shoulder.

‘God he smelled fantastic!’

“No!” he repeated, loudly and more clearly, but it didn’t stop Cam moving out of reach, in fact he seemed to be pulling away quicker, more determinedly; then John realised what he’d said and how Cam had taken it.

‘Oh, Shit!’

“No!”

‘Damn, was that the only word his brain could come up with!’

He gave up on speech, chose to let his body speak for him. The gap between them seemed enormous, like the Grand Canyon, like the void between Pegasus and the Milky Way; but John wouldn’t let that stop him, not this time nor ever again. He wanted Cam, wanted him like no other, wanted him beside him for however long they had. John tightened his arms around Cam until his biceps were straining with desperate resistance.

“No…WAIT!…I want… STAY!...want you…forever…YES!!!...please?”

Whole sentences expressed in a jumble of incoherent disjointed words, but it was all John was capable of when the thought of never seeing, never holding, never being allowed to love Cam threw him into a spiralling panic. Then in the centre of disorder and chaos there was a single thought, the eye in a hurricane, an anchor in a storm tossed sea, hope where there’d only been darkness and he held onto it with the death grip of a drowning man. John held it so close its knowledge seeped through him, warming him like nothing else ever could; so he looked up into sky blue eyes, lowered his defences and allowed his fellow Colonel to see into his heart.

“I love you.”

Cam’s arms tightened painfully, crushing them together and it was the most delicious feeling John had ever experienced. He arched his neck back over the curve of a flexed bicep and looked into holy shit those eyes with what he knew was the sappiest look in history, but he didn’t care.

“Damn!” Cam cursed under his breath then stole John’s breath in the most tender and heart wrenching kiss John had ever experienced in his thoroughly uneventful love life.

‘He loved him! Him…Cam Mitchell, Kansas farm boy had scored life’s tri-fector; almost-spotless Air Force career, space flyboy and John-fucking sex on a stick-Sheppard with his crazy hair and crooked smirk, loved him!’

“Love you too, baby” Cam drawled softly in the humid air between them before he lowered his lips to the arch of John’s neck and placed a row of kisses out along his shoulder.

“Baby?” John chuckled, overwhelmed by the lightness in his chest, if it wasn’t for Cam’s arm anchoring his hips to the spread of discarded clothing he’d be approaching lower orbit by now.

“Get used to it,” Cam growled as his mouth descended into the hollow of John’s throat and licked teasingly until John swallowed.

John liked it, he’d never been a pet name kinda guy, but then he’d never been in a relationship, he swirled the word around in his mouth, tasting it, seeing how it fit him and Cam, long enough for it to matter.

He hissed a breath through his teeth as Cam’s teeth nibbled on a nipple, pulled tight by the cool air. Cam did it again before licking with the flat of his tongue and moving to its twin, then lifting up to meet John’s dark gaze. It was all sorts of crazy, but the way John looked at him made Cam’s insides turn to mush and he’d do anything to have that feeling for the rest of his life.

“We should go.”

Cam watched as John turned inwards for a moment, like he was listening to a conversation in another room.

“It’s all good, Life Signs Detector’s running a diagnostic.”

John’s smug smirk told Cam that Atlantis was on their side. He’d take it and be so grateful.

‘Thanks,’ he thought to a city that couldn’t hear him, lowered himself against the long lean flank of his smokin’ hot lover and licked a stripe along the line of John’s hip.

“Then there’s time to make you beg” he chuckled as John arched his hips to meet Cam’s mouth.

“Oh God!”

“Oh yeah, I bet you moan so pretty” Cam teased as he slipped his own hips between John’s widening thighs.

“Please!?” John felt his cheeks flush as the word fell from his kiss swollen lips and he offered up his ass to his lover.

He wanted Cam inside him more than he wanted his next breath and knew deep in his heart that he always would.

“Soon baby, soon” Cam whispered lovingly, wrapped his circled lips around the head of John’s hard cock, moaned in pleasure and swallowed him down in a nice easy slide.

“Fuck!” John screamed hoarsely and tried to get deeper into that fucking amazing mouth but Cam’s vice like grip on his hips held him down “Jesus! CAM!!!”

Cam hummed his amusement deep in the back of his throat and suddenly there were fingers meshed in his hair, he pulled up and groaned as John pushed him back down. God he loved this! He could do this forever, the feel of John’s thick heavy cock sliding on his tongue and nudging the back of his throat…he was climbing fast…

Before he could lose himself completely, he tugged John’s hands free and slid up and off that delicious cock and leaned up to capture John’s moan of disappointment.

“You want me?” He asked with a cocky grin. “You want me inside you don’t you John?”

“Yeah,” John’s pupils were blown so wide his hazel eyes looked fully black. “Want you…always.”

‘It was rough as fuck! It hurt like he couldn’t describe. How long had it been?’ He couldn’t think, but then Cam was in…still and panting harshly…his palms on John’s knees and waiting for John to adjust…to relax…

“You okay?”

John swallowed, nodded and nodded again. He lifted his hips demanding movement and then Cam was sliding deep; slow and deep, long full-length thrusts then a grinding circling of his hips, his balls rubbing against John’s ass; then a long slow draw back out. It was driving John crazy, crazy in a fucking brilliant way

Cam’s stamina, his resolve to make this last, to make John beg was working….damn it. He’d changed his angle now; every third thrust sparked dancing lights in John’s vision. ‘He was sooo close he could feel it hovering just out of reach!’

“So good baby, feel so good, so tight!”

John moaned at that, that he could give that to Cam, make Cam shudder like he was doing now, feel that shudder echo through his sliding cock and into John… ‘Oh fuck!...he needed to come…’

“Please!” he murmured and felt Cam shudder at the sound “Pleeease!”

John could feel the slick heat of Cam’s hips against the curve of his own ass, he could feel the fucking wonderful friction of that cock, relentless in its slow deep slide and retreat, but he needed more and he needed it now!

Cam was almost there, John’s little pulsing squeezes along his length as he moved were going to do him in, he couldn’t last much longer and John was begging now. He pushed back on John’s knees, lifting his Colonel’s hips, altering the angle, sending the head of his cock brushing over that clever bundle of nerves. John fairly screamed, his voice wrecked with passion and release as his cock jerked and spat hot come over both their bellies.

‘Fuck that was HOT!!’ Cam thought with his very last brain cell. ‘Oh god…that’s it…yeah…right…th..’

“JOHN!!”

His hips jerked wildly, rasping his pubes against John’s hypersensitive skin as he filled him, filled his lover with hot fluid that’d soak into him and mark him forever as Cam’s. The thought was…..

He was leaning on John’s pushed back knees, opening the man beneath him even further, sinking impossibly deeper and shaking with...joy…pleasure…triumph.

When Cam could summon the strength to raise his head he looked up, he stared into those fucking beautiful eyes and heard the clean snap of his heart breaking. It must have shown on his face because John looked as stricken as he felt.

“Cam” his name was whispered so soft; Cam knew only he and the wind had heard it. “C’mere baby, s’kay.”

He smiled at the slur of pleasure in John’s voice, gently pulled free of his lover’s body and lowered himself into the shelter and protection of those strong arms.

“Yours” John murmured sweetly into the top of Cam’s head.

“Mine” Cam answered sleepily as he nestled deeper into the crook of John’s shoulder and fell deeply asleep with the scent of John’s skin filling his head, John’s chuckle in his ears and John in his heart…..

******

They’d promised to email but what could they say that wouldn’t get them both court marshalled? In the end it was John’s first email that set the tone for their corny virtual postcards and had Cam grinning all the way to the mess.

“Greetings from Pegasus…wish you were here.”

“Mucar”hi! peace summits suck…but the wine’s good…wish you were here.”

“Lost Teyla…found the Athosians…Michael escaped…found Beckett we think…wish you were here.”

“Rescued SG-3 and 26 from evil alien natives…beers all round…wish you were here.”

“Exiled alien priestess came on to me…Ronon laughed…wish you were here.”

“Teal’c says I must learn to centre my body and my mind so that I might remain ‘at peace’ in Landry’s briefings...wish you were here.”

John smirked at the image of Cam wriggling in his seat. Just ten minutes before the CSI team was due to gate back to Earth, he’d pushed Cam into the broken transporter on sub level B, and fucked him to within an inch of his life; so hard that Cam would remember John whenever he sat down.

‘Sounds like it worked’ John chuckled and opened his internet browser.

******

It was three days until Christmas when Cam kicked his front door closed with a booted foot and without looking, threw his keys into the blue glass bowl on the coffee table. He’d already received his gifts from his parents, so the medium weight parcel in his lap was a mystery. He ripped into the brown paper to be met with standard issue store wrapping and a gift card with computer generated script on the back.

December 24th  
J

Cam’s fingers frantically tore the wrapping away then sat motionless on his chocolate leather couch as a beautiful smile broke out on his face.

John was arriving tomorrow and they’d make love on Cam’s new black silk sheets.

**Author's Note:**

> "And if you'd get inside my head, then you'd understand, then you'd understand me" -The Calling  
> "You make me feel alive" - The Calling  
> "And as we lie beneath the stars, we realise how small we are" - Nickelback  
> "If they could love like you and me, imagine what the world could be. Amen I'm alive" - Nickelback


End file.
